the day has finally arrived. it was long-awaited, and slightly overdue. yesterday was the day i joined the 100 club - a club i just made up that is comprised of all golfers who have scored below 100. my new personal best of 99 is 9 strokes lower than my previous best. i am a new man.

for anyone visiting maryland who wants to do a better job blending in and looking like a local, here are a few pointers that will help you drive like you’re from MD. i’ve based this little tutorial on my observations over the past 2 years or so of driving around the MD area.

1. always back into parking spots, even if there are other cars in the same parking lot aisle waiting for you to get out of the way, and even if it takes you 10 times as long to back it in.

2. when merging onto a large highway, take as long as you can go from the 25 mph on you did on the ramp to the 55 mph that everyone else is doing around you. also, dont bother checking your rearview mirror or blind spot.

3. if precipitation starts to fall, slow down to 50% of the speed limit and randomly crash into another car for no apparent reason. extra credit if your accident occurs on a major highway during rush hour.

4. if you miss your exit, pull over to the shoulder and reverse until you get back to the exit. go ahead and take the exit, again without checking your rearview mirror or blind spot.

optional: while driving, if you have the urge to hit some golf balls but dont see a driving range nearby, pull over and start hitting some balls from the median (yes, the grassy area between the lanes of the highway). i witnessed this insane behavior once and i had no doubt that the driver/golfer was from maryland.

sunny, calm days like this make me just as thankful that i have a balcony as they make me dumbfounded as to how i should be utilizing it.

(this is a copy of the actual letter that i left on the perpetrator’s windshield)

dear toyota tacoma driver,

thanks for keeping my garage parking spot warm for me while i was away. unfortunately for my car and me, you were still parked in my spot when i returned. as a result, i’ve had to park outside in a temporary parking spot and walk to and from my car in the rain for the past several days. i love getting rain all over me while walking to my car, especially when i own a covered parking spot. that’s right, i own this spot, and you are parked in it. how would you feel if you came home to find a stranger sleeping in your bed, and as a result you had to sleep on your couch or floor? that would be quite an inconvenience, wouldn’t it?

thanks again, and i hope you enjoy the parking spot that i paid money to own. it’s not easy to find a covered spot in rosslyn, and you are one of the lucky devils who found one!

sincerely,

phil, owner of parking spot MP-144

today after introducing myself to a woman at work, she bluntly commented, “your name doesn’t match your eyes!” … and yes, she meant it like that.

it’s 2006, and people like this still exist in america.

i’m torn.

on one hand, i want to go snowboarding so i can tear up the pipe and go off some sweet jumps. (except i suck at the pipe, and only go off modest jumps)

on the other, i want to go back to miami and chill on the beach all day, throw a football around, and swim in the ocean.

quite the dilemma i have on my hands.